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One of the most serious afflictions that strikes down writers is Procrastination. The symptoms are taking a long time to get started, lurking on Twitter and Facebook, and saying you’ll get around to something tomorrow. I myself am a sufferer of Procrastination, a crippling ailment which knows no boundaries across age, gender, race or religion and strikes as many as nine in ten writers. When I sit down to write, I often find myself checking my e-mails every thirty seconds or so, in the hopes that somebody has sent me something that needs my desperate attention at that very moment.
Often I wish I had a robot brain instead of a human brain, like robotic Star League member Sam. If I had Sam’s highly logical and super-organised brain then I think Procrastination would be a thing of the past. I would sit down to write and my brain would say LOADING…COMMENCE WRITING and I would write until the designated time had elapsed.
Unfortunately, my brain is not a robot brain, and so when I sat down to write this morning I started thinking about robot brains instead of writing. Then, of course, I had to Google robots, and I came across a few very excellent robot facts I had to share with you all. Like, did you know that the word robot was made popular by Czech writer Karel Capek in the 1920s, and it literally translates to ‘hard work’? Or that the first robot was built in the fifth century B.C. by a chap called Archytas of Tarentum? It was a mechanical bird powered by steam jets, and it was said to have flown more than 200 metres.
Luckily one of the side effects of Procrastination is that I sometimes find really amazing things. While I was looking up Czech writers and steam-powered birds, I also found a supremely cool robot generator at http://en.genzu.net/robot/. You type in your name and the generator converts the letters of your name to a robot, while also telling you your robot’s stats and specialty. Apparently the Hjharperbot is ‘a robot of the justice’. So while I might not be able to have a robot brain just yet, I am officially one step closer to my dream.
Do you ever suffer from Procrastination? And do you ever follow links to robot generators instead of doing whatever you’re supposed to be doing? Share your robot stats here!
Of all the members of the Star League, I’ve always thought Leigh Faunus’s powers would be the most useful overall. Her animancer powers let her talk to animals, and usually they do what she asks. If you had animancer powers, you could do everything from politely ask a bear or a crocodile not to eat you, to asking a spider to drop on somebody’s head as a joke. Leigh’s powers also let her work very closely with Chu, her furry monkey partner, which means that even if she’s separated from the rest of the Star League, there’s someone she can rely on to help her chew through ropes or bite bad guys.
You don’t always need animancer powers to talk to animals, and there have been a few animals who are capable of talking to humans in different ways. Probably the most famous of these is Koko the gorilla, who uses sign language to talk to her trainers. She understands more than 1000 signs and has also been known to make up her own words, such as putting together the signs for ‘finger’ and ‘bracelet’ to describe a ring. Kanzi the bonobo can also talk to his trainers by pointing to different symbols called lexigrams. But it’s not just primates who can talk – Alex the parrot had a vocabulary of around 150 words, and was claimed by his trainer to have had the intelligence of a five-year-old human.
I’m convinced that with the right training, I will also be able to talk to animals, and since the only animal I interact with on a daily basis is my cat, Lyra, I’m going to share what I’ve been able to translate from the cat language.
Miaow! – I would like some food now please.
Miaaoooow! – Did you not hear me the first time? Get out of bed! I said I would like some food now please.
MIIAAAAOOOOWW! – FOOD! NOW!
Mieh! – Is that all the food there is?
Mrrooar – Why have you made these zombie brain cupcakes? Why have you not made me chicken cupcakes? I am not impressed.
It’s a work in progress, but I’m starting to see a pattern in what my cat is trying to tell me. In the meantime, though, I don’t think any of us need animancer powers to understand this lady:
I’m sure I’m not alone in saying I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse: kick out the upstairs window, jump onto the garage roof, then fight my way to higher ground. It pays to be prepared – after all, according to likely scenarios, Australia could be the first place to be overrun by the undead.
However, if zombies like Roger Romero from Raising the Dead are the ones after us, I don’t think we need to worry about our brains being eaten. The only brains he eats is his Braynes brand gum, and he chews that to keep his limbs nice and limber: being a zombie means he can attach and reattach his body parts whenever he wants!
Roger also has a variety of potions he uses to throw at unwitting enemies, and he keeps the recipes for them in a big recipe book. Which got me thinking about what other recipes one might find in a zombie’s cookbook, and I came up with this little concoction. Enjoy!
Brain Cupcakes
Ingredients
Icing
Method
Any other ideas for what kind of recipes you’d find in a zombie’s cookbook? Or does anyone want to share their plan for the zombie apocalypse?
Since I’m about to spill some secrets about ninjas here, you should probably check to see that there aren’t any in the room with you right now. Look to your left. Look to your right. Look under your chair. No ninjas? WRONG! You forgot to look up, and if you had, you probably would’ve found a ninja waiting to strike. Don’t bother checking now, the ninja has already escaped out the window.
Asuka Kuro is the star of The Ninja Code, and she has been in ninja training she was waddling around in black nappies. It’s a long training process because it takes quite a bit of time to learn how to properly use all the ninja tools of the trade.
Throughout the Star League series, Asuka’s main weapons (besides her stealth and speed) are her shuriken, otherwise known as throwing stars. These are pretty good at taking out Professor Pestilence’s goons from afar, but when things get up close and personal, she also likes to break out her bo which is a wooden staff.
But it’s not just all about fighting. Ninjas have tools for every situation they could possibly encounter. If a ninja needs to run up walls, she can always reach for her handy-dandy ashiko: spiked attachments that go over your boots to help you get a better grip. Or, if the wall is too high, a ninja can always try her kaginawa, a grappling hook with a rope attached that will allow you to climb the highest buildings. Ninjas can also walk on water using a set of wooden shoes called mizugumo. It’s a lot of equipment to keep in that black suit!
If I was a ninja I’d be partial to using the bo, because not only is it handy in a fight, but you can also use it to catapult over things and also poke people who are just out of reach. What’s your favourite ninja tool?
When I was younger, my best friend and I desperately wanted to be werewolves. Unlike Star League member, Connor Lowe, who was born a werewolf, we were both utterly human. So we got a book about werewolves out from the library and studied the pages eagerly until we found what we wanted to know: apparently all you had to do to be transformed was sleep under a full moon. My friend and I looked at each other wide-eyed, and I knew what we were both thinking. We were totally going to become werewolves.
We consulted some charts of the heavens and organised a sleepover at the next full moon. We snuck out with our blankets and slept on the trampoline in her backyard, barely able to contain our excitement that in a matter of hours we would both be werewolves. After a while it got a bit cold and damp, and so we went back inside, but we were pretty sure it would still work. I swore I could already feel the fangs growing in.
Unsurprisingly, we both woke up the next morning feeling a bit tired, but otherwise still utterly human. No craving for raw meat, no urge to run through the woods and howl at the moon. How disappointing!
I’ve still never entirely given up on my dream of becoming a werewolf, and I’ve been doing some research. It turns out that the full moon trick isn’t the only way to trigger the transformation. Apparently the old Greek Gods like Zeus were pretty keen on turning people into wolves. Another guy transformed into a wolf by hanging his clothes on an Ash tree and swimming across a lake. You can also drink water from a wolf’s footprint, or eat wolf’s brains – YUM!
On second thoughts, maybe I’ll just settle for writing about werewolves instead. Unless anyone out there has some other suggestions on how to become a werewolf? Any fool-proof (or full-moon proof) ways you think could turn someone into a wolf?
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