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1. It is a sequel to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
2. It is very, very good.
3. I wrote it. But, really — I’m not biased. It turned out great.
4. It is an all-new novel about the extraordinary lengths Elizabeth Darcy (née Bennet) must go to in order to save her husband after he’s bitten by a zombie and infected with “the strange plague.” Rumors are swirling that there’s a cure for zombification, you see, and Elizabeth has to find it before Mr. Darcy starts snacking on the help.
5. More importantly, the book is really quite good.
6. Elizabeth’s sisters Kitty and Mary finally get to strut their stuff in it. No more wait-in-the-wings-until-you-can-cause-a-scene-at-the-country-dance for them. Now they’re experienced warriors who are every bit as wily and lethal as Elizabeth. Well, maybe not quite as wily. But they are lethal! And available!
7. Oh, and the deadly, domineering, deceitful Lady Catherine de Bourgh is back, too, and that nasty bi-…excuse me… lady has her own plans for Mr. Darcy.
8. Most of the book takes place in London. Because zombies on rural estates have just been so done, y’know?
9. The book is available now.
10. And you should buy it. Really.
Tomorrow: It’ll be Saturday! Go to the park or something!
1. The undead are not evil! They’re hungry, that’s all. They don’t mean to cause anyone harm. They’re merely slaves to their own inexorable, conscienceless appetites, just like locusts, sharks, or Rupert Murdoch.
2. Zombies are your friends and neighbors. Yes, they’re dead and they’re trying to eat you, but still — show a little respect. That’s Uncle Frank you’re about to decapitate with a hedge trimmer. No pithy one liners about “cutting him down to size” or “just taking a little bit off the top,” please. Unlike a zombie, you can kill with kindness.
3. Advocates for the zombie population object to the descriptors “undead” (on the grounds that any living thing is technically un-dead) and “the living dead” (on the grounds that it’s a contradiction and, therefore, stupid). When referring to zombification, they prefer the terms “indefinite quasi-living,” “post-cardio animation,” or “Bieber fever.”
4. Zombies come in three varieties: fast, slow, and very, very slow. (Zombies in the last group usually lack legs.)
5. Some experts on the undead deny the existence of fast zombies. Such skeptics are usually the first to be eaten when fast zombies arrive on the scene. Their last words, typically: “Oh, please. Zombies can’t run. Just look at Night of the Living AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”
6. It is widely believed that zombies prefer the brain to any other body part. This is not universally true. In clinical trials, it has been found that the undead avoid eating the brains of those who’ve recently watched an episode of Dancing with the Stars, possibly because the organs in question have atrophied.
7. There’s a reason dogs, cats, horses, and other animals don’t turn into zombies. You try getting that much makeup on a Schnauzer without PETA jumping all over your ass.
8. According to leading zombiologists, the most horrifyingly accurate cinematic depiction of a zombie apocalypse is not Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland but the 1980 disco musical Can’t Stop the Music. “Looking into the eyes of the Village People is like staring into the black abyss of death itself,” says Stanford University Professor of Post-Cardio Animation Studies Paul G. Rodes. “Although I’ve gotta admit — ‘Milkshake’ is pretty catchy.”
9. The most accurate literary depiction of the undead, experts say, can be found in the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies books. A new installment in the series, Dreadfully Ever After, recently went on sale across Australia.
10. Steve Hockensmith, author of Dreadfully Ever After, attributes the verisimilitude of his novel to the fact that he’s one-sixteenth zombie on his father’s side.
Tomorrow: 10 Things You Should Know about Dreadfully Ever After!
1. Yes, as an American I am obligated to be armed at all times. My gun of choice at the moment is the Glock 34, as it combines stopping power with pinpoint accuracy. Plus it matches my drapes.
2. No, “The Star-Spangled Banner” is not our national anthem, though it’s played whenever an American athlete picks up a gold medal at the Olympics. Our real anthem — thanks to an executive order signed by Bill Clinton in 1994 — is “It’s Raining Men.” George W. Bush’s efforts to change the anthem to “Muskrat Love” died in Congress.
3. The capital’s not really Washington, D.C., either. It’s Des Moines, Iowa. Shhhhh. It’s a secret.
4. And you know “the American Dream”? It’s not owning your own home anymore. It’s about forgetting you’ve got a big science test, and when the teacher starts to hand it out in class you realize you’re sitting at your desk naked.
5. Oh, and baseball hasn’t been our national pastime for a couple years now. These days, it’s updating our Facebook status while watching Jersey Shore on MTV. (I pray you don’t know what Jersey Shore is. If you do, please allow me to offer my apologies.)
6. According to the United States Department of Agriculture, each year the average American eats 67 hamburgers, 98 hot dogs, 955 potato chips, and 2,107 red milkweed beetles. (For some reason, the USDA included blue jays in its sampling of “average Americans.”)
7. Americans have a deep, abiding affection for Australians. Especially the ones who run around singing on mountaintops like that nun in The Sound of Music.
8. George Washington is the father of our country, while Martha Washington is the mother, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams are the uncles, King George III is the cranky grandfather nobody likes, Abraham Lincoln is the cousin on our mother’s side who did really well for himself in insurance, Franklin Roosevelt is the friend of the family who always gets a little too drunk at weddings, and Richard Nixon is the nephew no one talks about ever since the police came around asking about the you-know-what at the you-know-where with the you-know-who.
9. Usually, immigrants must undergo a long, arduous screening process to become U.S. citizens, yet anyone of any nationality can win immediate citizenship if they can prove that they’ve killed a leprechaun in hand-to-hand combat.
10. Dreadfully Ever After, the sequel to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, was written by an American (me) in America (specifically, my house) on a keyboard made in China. Oh, well. Two out of three ain’t bad.
Tomorrow: 10 Things You Should Know About Zombies!
1. Although I am an American, I do not believe the stereotype that everyone in Australian is a Foster’s-swilling crocodile hunter descended from exiled English pickpockets. There are also Aborigines.
2. #1, though offered in jest, will be considered insulting by 99.995% of Australians, and should therefore be followed immediately by a heartfelt apology. I am very, very sorry.
3. The stereotype mentioned above is all Paul Hogan’s fault. I would tell you to take any complaints to him, but I understand the poor guy’s got problems enough as it is. So go ahead and blame me.
4. Last year, much of the Australian Aboriginal community took offense when a pair of Russian skaters “paid tribute” to their culture by cavorting on the ice in blackface. Having just watched the routine myself on YouTube, I can confirm that it managed an extraordinary feat — being twice as dumb as your average ice-dancing routine, which is already four times as dumb as a rock — and would like to suggest the following response: At the next Olympics, the Australian synchronized swimming team should “pay tribute” to Russia by performing to “Song of the Volga Boatmen.” Dressed as bears. In a vat of vodka.
5. Australia is the birthplace of such celebrated thespians as Heath Ledger, Toni Collette, Hugh Jackman, Geoffrey Rush, Judy Davis, Rachel Griffiths, Leo McKern, Portia de Rossi, and the old Vulcan broad with the overdone lipstick and the wacky hat in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.
6. Despite some confusion on the matter here in the United States, neither Mel Gibson nor Russell Crowe were born in Australia, which is why I can’t take this opportunity to formally request that you take them back.
7. Australia is also home to many marsupials, including the koala, the kangaroo, the wombat, the numbat, the Aquabat, the Bat-mite, the Dolemite, and the dreaded Vegemite.
8. Men at Work was actually a good band, though even Colin Hay might admit that “Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Jive” is pretty danged embarrassing in hindsight.
9. Dreadfully Ever After, my sequel to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, is now available in bookstores across Australia.
10. Potential readers should not hold this blog post against me when considering whether or not to buy the book.
Tomorrow: 10 Things You Should Know About America!
1. This blog is mine mine MINE all week, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
2. The fine folks at Random House gave me control of their blog because I am the author of Dreadfully Ever After, the sequel to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
3. They also probably believed that I would do something worthwhile with the blog, such as write about my new book or offer helpful tips on breaking into the writing biz.
4. They were wrong.
5. I am aware that the #4 is not something you should know about me but something you should know about the fine folks at Random House. Still, it says something about me. Such as this: “That Hockensmith guy is off his nut.”
6. I also wrote the prequel to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Dawn of the Dreadfuls.
7. I did not write Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. If I had, I would be so mind-blowingly wealthy I could hire Michael Chabon to do my guest-blogging for me.
8. Since I am not that wealthy, but I am spectacularly lazy, I had to hire a starving college student to do my guest-blogging for me. Her name is Amy Wang, she’s majoring in Journalism at the University of California — Berkeley, and she is going to get $50 and two college credits for being my “intern” this week.
9. Amy’s duties as intern include (A) guest-blogging under my name and (B) stealing several books I’m interested in from the Berkeley Public Library.
10. I am aware that #9 is not something you should know about me but something you should know about Amy. Still, it says something about me. See #5.
Tomorrow: 10 Things I Know About Australia!
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