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Okay, I admit men are better at some things parallel parking, spider killing, jar opening, elk-stalking, map reading …. But what women can’t fathom is why it is that you can determine the exact mile to the gallon ratio of a five hour trip to the south of France, where you effortlessly locate the remote fishing village that’s not even on a map yet can’t find a clitoris? Whilst on that subject, if men are so superior then why is it that you would you rather die than ask directions? (Which is perhaps why they always include a woman on the space shuttle now?) Why do think sex drive means doing it in the car? Is it because of that sign on the rear vision mirror which says ‘objects in this mirror may appear larger than they are?’ Why is hypochondria Greek for man? (Any man who says he’s not a hypochondriac, well then that’s the only disease he doesn’t have!) I could go on fellas, but why bother when male inferiority is also backed up by biology. Biologists have also revealed that the male chromosome is in decline. You only have about 150, 000 years left, boys. Unless you decide that it might be time to flop onto the shore and like, evolve. Starting by getting a sense of humour about your faults and foibles. Men often complain that women aren’t funny. Well, if you keep taking yourselves so seriously we might just deduce that the reason women can’t tell jokes is because we marry them!
My recent satirical thoughts on the male of the species aired on this blog and in my new tome “Men: A User’s Guide” have got a few men’s testicles all in a twist. Irate blokes are berating me for being a frigid, sexist, man-hating harridan. But boys, be fair. Until women are treated as equals instead of sequels, we females surely have the right to comically knee-cap you occasionally. Just consider the facts. Women still don’t have equal paywe receive only 75 pence in the pound. We are still get concussion hitting our heads on the glass ceiling, plus we’re expected to Windex it while we’re up there. It seems to me that any woman who calls herself a ‘post feminist’ has kept her wonder bra and burnt her brains.My generation thought we were going to be the ones who Had It All. But we’re just Doing It All. Even though women make up 50% of the workforce, we’re still doing 99% of all the housework and childcare. The Dunkirk evacuation would be easier to organize than a working mother getting her kids up and out of the house in the morning. I’m always asking my husband to help more around the house and he explains that he’d like to, but he can’t multi task.
Surely a biological cop out, boys. I mean, no man would have any trouble multi tasking at, say, an orgy, now would he?
Yesterday I wrote about the fact that marriage suits men more than it suits women. As it’s in a man’s interest to keep us happy, it might be helpful to give them a list of what a woman’s looking for in her Knight in Shining Armani.
First and foremost, we want a man who knows that ‘mutual orgasm’ is not an insurance company. (If he persists in this attitude, may I suggest you adopt the “doggy position” – where he begs – and you just roll over and play dead.) We also prefer a man who does half the housework and the odd sensitive thing with mange tout. (The way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach. That is NOT aiming too high.) We favour a bloke who talks to us too. I often feel that my small intestine communicates with me more often than my husband. After all, word play is foreplay for females. How else is Woody Allen still getting laid? Unless crossed, the female of the species tends towards fidelity and constancy. There are a few species where the male stays faithful until he dies – mostly as a result of being eaten by his partner after mating. The truth is, many men go straight from puberty to adultery. And yet they expect their women to be so virginal. Males are prone to pant – “Darling, darling, am I the first man to make love to you?” To which the woman replies, “Of course…. I don’t know why you men keep asking the same silly question?!” Believe me boys, if you don’t want the Pope to start ringing you up for tips on celibacy, I suggest you stop thinking that monogamy is something you make dining room tables out of. But girls, do you know what really makes a man perfect? Being perfect enough to understanding why we’re not.
As I have a new little tome winging it’s way to the book shelves, ” Men A User’s Guide”, I’m in the mood to muse on the sex war.
God, apparently as a prank, devised two sexes and called them “opposite.”
The sex war has raged since for 5,000 years. But it’s time we called a truce… starting with men negotiating their terms of surrender.
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. Just look at the evidence. What excites men? Food, footy and the Playboy channel. The trouble is, women get all excited about nothing… and then we marry him.
Over half of all marriages today end in divorce, (and let’s face it, more ought to!) and the majority of these divorces are initiated by women.
(Obviously many marriages break up for religious reasons – he thinks he’s a God and well, she just doesn’t.) Marriage statistics are currently lower than Britney Spears’s bikini line.
And as we now know that marriage suits men much better than it suits women, (married men live longer than single men, have less heart disease and mental problems, whereas single women live longer than married women and have less heart disease and mental problems), I suspect that it’s women who are getting PMT. – Pre Monogamy Tension.
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